I guess it was a big day today. My husband was to have gone to the storage unit to collect his things, move into his new digs. The 10X15 storage space now partially empty. When we left for India, it was filled to the brim. Our fullness now gone. Remnants of just one left behind the metal door. A trip to my Seattle house was part of his plan as well; he’d left some tools in the wooden shed in the back yard. He emailed he’ll let me know later how the move went. Yesterday he was a bit flirty and quite friendly; I think he misunderstood my response to his previous email as an invitation to converse in a friendly manner. It was not. I found myself for just a moment getting caught up in his email, though. I remembered the early online bantering when we’d just begun to date. It was fun and exciting but he’d mis-spelled ‘neurology’ and that was almost enough to make me not want to date him. I’m a word snob. And of course, now I wish I hadn’t. Dated him.
Today I was reading a book about lessons learned after going through a crippling loss, such as the demise of a marriage. The author encouraged the reader to see one’s trials, though filled with devastation and heartache, as priceless gifts. Pain is not my idea of the ideal present, wrapped up in a big ribbon, to be opened with excitement and glee. As I continued to read, she explained what is important is the lesson. That brought me back to what both therapists, my new doctor and others have repeated to me: trust your gut, pay attention to your intuition. Too many times I believed him when he said it was really me that was the problem. Too many times I covered up that vibe with a big heavy blanket. I don’t think I’ll ignore my gut in the future. Lesson learned the very hard way.
This morning I felt the nausea again with the half tab. Just keeping note of my progress with the med. If it continues, then on Monday, I’ll ask to cut it in fourths.
One last thing that was on my mind today. Not really the last, but the one I’ll note here. I got an email from a writer in Seattle; we’ve written back and forth a few times. Yes, I’m bragging. She’s published a few books and is working on another. She told me she went to see Abigail Thomas and said: Your voice and style remind me a lot of her voice and style. Which is to say that I love it. She actually said more but I’m keeping the other stuff for a time when I really need it. Like probably tomorrow.
Along with getting to talk on the phone with both my son and my daughter, this made my day. Thank you, LZ.
I took the new medication again last night but this time I took it with food. Skipped the Magnesium and only dropped one 5 mg Melatonin into my mouth. As per usual, I got up in the middle of the night to pee. It was during one of my nightly wake-ups, so why not? I found myself in the bathroom, doing something very odd. This particular bathroom has the long counter with two sinks, the toilet at the far end. I realized I was standing at the first sink, my back to the counter, shuffling from foot to foot. I did this for about 8-10 seconds while feeling I was on drugs. Which I was. But nothing illegal or even classified as a narcotic. The sensation was eerie, trance-like and my balance was off. I can’t really say if I was looking for the toilet; having to pee wasn’t on my mind. That thought had somehow left me as I rose from my bed. In a few seconds, I looked to my left, saw the toilet and remembered why I had gotten up. Business done. I walked carefully back into the bedroom, holding onto the counter, then got under the covers. Sleep came quickly after that. This morning I felt a little drugged but it was nothing compared to the previous day. The nausea, minimal. Things with the new med seem to be looking up. At least on day two.
Today I drove up the Tollway to visit a friend in Frisco; she’d asked me to come visit, have lunch. Tonight I’ve been invited to a dinner and book club meeting at the home of an old college buddy. So thankful for all these invites. Friends in Seattle, both old and new, have been calling and emailing. I’m cocooned in their warmth, their love and their caring. I am a lucky girl.
First dose of medication last night. The nausea was there when I woke at 3:13am. It was so pronounced at 7:30 this morning that I had to cancel my CPR class, one of the necessities before I can go back to work. It remained my buddy through lunch and then around 5:00pm after my walk, it disappeared. Tonight I took the halved pill with dinner, a suggestion from my MD. She told me to get off the homeopathics other than Melatonin. Will see what tonight brings.
My therapist gave me an assignment on Tuesday to make a collage describing me. I requested it be combined with what I call a future board, which depicts, of course, where I see myself down the road. Just a little ways for some parts and for others, maybe two or three years. It’s all in the future and that’s the main point. Other than these things I possess right now; I added them as well. It was fun, and as my determination set in, I found some peace of mind. Very nice. It was fun looking through magazines and cutting out pictures and letters and words.
I keep thinking about an email I got from a very close source. Validation of all my concerns, everything I had ever thought. I was not crazy; there was a pattern spanning through three heartbroken women and too many decades. I could not be more thankful; my sanity now restored. At least on that front.
My husband has agreed to pay the filing fee. Yee Haw. He wrote a long email about relationships and symbolism and meaning. It didn’t make sense and sounded like what a philosophy student would say when he’s new in his major and enjoys talking jibberish. My husband also mentioned more than once that the divorce is about two people’s interactions, not just one. That’s right; he shut me out, he wanted to leave me alone while he traveled solo, he was guilty of deception and tried to hide a possible female friend from me as he complained that I couldn’t seem to connect with anyone there, that it would not work if all I had was him. He did things that led me to question his love. He showed a lack of commitment to the marriage while I begged him to put our relationship first. He announced he put himself as the priority over the marriage. Yes, he actually said that. I was/am guilty of reacting to these behaviors, these words and to India in general when feeling very alone, and on some things, I put my foot down. And then I was booted out. I wonder now what would have happened if I’d gone with the (his) flow.
Time for my bath and my salts and my oils.