The drive back to Lexington today felt long; a lack of sleep last night did not help. In the car, I listened to Eckhart Tolle speak about the power of now. All we really have is in the moment, I heard him say. And I tried to practice keeping my thoughts just there, nowhere else. It’s hard not to think of the past or the future when your plans have toppled over, the rug has been pulled from under your feet and you’re angry and deeply hurt and you aren’t sure which end is up. Demolished plans make for a damaged heart. It may take a while, but between me, my therapist, my friends and family and a whole load of books, I’ll get there. I will get better.
I cried when I got back into the house. Part of it was fatigue; it takes a butt load of brainpower to stay in the moment, the now. As I brought in my things, the place really didn’t feel like home. I really needed to feel comfort, stability. Seems like I haven’t been home in quite a long while. And where exactly was (is) home? Last time I felt it, I think it was back in Seattle. The apartment I shared with my husband. Last night I had a very good talk with a friend in Seattle as I sat in my car in the parking lot of a K Mart in Asheville. I’d just gone to buy some Benadryl (for sleep) when she called. This friend had some very good points about home. These aren’t her exact words but she said I needed to land somewhere, needed a place where I could stay for a while, a place to call my own. Home. And she is right. I’ve been moving around for the past seven months. The start of some roots might be nice. And before the end of the summer, I should have just what I need. In Dallas. One other piece of advice this friend gave me: do not get a job as a nurse when you move to Dallas. Too stressful she said. I’ve got lots to think about.
As I thought more about home, I was reminded of its importance. I know I’ve written about this before. A place where I can feel comfortable, and at ease. A place where things feel stable. The start of new roots (yes, I’m repeating myself). My personal sanctuary, a source of my strength. I’m glad my friend and I had that discussion last night.
It was also a blessing to talk to my daughter and another friend from Seattle once I arrived here in the late afternoon. We talked about plans, apartments, medication. A job. My husband and therapists and doctors. Values. Other things. I was terribly thankful for the time they each gave me; it helped with the transition back to my place. More than they could know. And I’ll be trashing that Benadryl as one friend informed me: long term use of that medication has been associated with Alzheimers disease.
It’s the end of the month. As I think back on what all I’ve learned, it feels like too much to write. I’d like to save those thoughts for tomorrow or maybe for the end of April. Tonight I just want to go to bed and feel thankful for friends and conversations.