January

What I’ve learned in the last 30 days.

Feeling quite weary thinking about this past month. Seems like it has lasted a VERY, VERY long time. New Year’s Eve with my kids in Lanka, going out dancing in the yard as my husband slept. A birthday celebration. Extreme stress carried over from at least two months back. A request to revisit the vows spoken publicly on August 8, 2015. Heartbreaking news, a separation. Saying goodbye to a place and a man. Another move to gain some stability. And now uncertainty about what comes next. A heavy dose of dread thrown in.

What have I learned in the month of January?

Patience, still my enemy. Working on it takes a long, long time.

You NEVER know what might happen on any given day.

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Vows don’t always mean the same thing to everyone; it’s important to be on the same page with that. Ahead of time.

Life is confusing and with some things, you never get to figure them out.

Emotional pain is a zillion times worse than the physical kind.

Flying solo across the world for almost a day and a half, isn’t as bad as it sounds.

Once you get used to counting the time zone numbers on your fingers, it’s hard to stop.

It takes a long time to bounce back from a place like India.

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People disappoint.

People are overly kind.

People are selfish.

People exaggerate and make excuses.

People are supportive and generous.

Family can be your savior at times.

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T-shirt weather in January in Kentucky makes me feel better.

I can do LOTS of things.

I am very capable.

A broken heart really takes the wind out of your sails.

I will have to get over my husband going to Thailand, our honeymoon destination, without me. It won’t be easy.

Not everyone looks at marriage in the same way. You need to be on the same page with that as well.

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I need to learn a lot of lessons re what’s happened to me, take them forward. Apply them, or just never go there again.

Coming back to the US after being in a third world country for five months feels really great. But I’m thankful for the experience, just the same.

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A little lotion on your skin does wonders.

The polish on my big toes lasted longer than my marriage-there’s still a little on the very ends.

I think I hear the lyrics of a C&W song coming on.

I believe my next pedicure (haven’t had one since August 7) will be the best one yet.

The Raven Run Nature Sanctuary in Lexington is my new home away from home.

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Cracking an egg without worrying if you are going to get sick feels so good.

Finding an Anthropologie store in your new town makes you smile.

You have to go through all the stages of grief whether you want to or not.

And so much more.

So on to February. Here’s hoping my eyes will be wide open to see all the upcoming opportunities that lie ahead for me.

My hope is that I can sign off on me and the cows in the next day or so. The new blog, by email invitation only, with the name of the new site. First round has gone out, more to come. My FB friends can continue to message me with their email addresses as the new blog will not appear there. Thank you to those who responded to my ‘test’ on the new one, looks like it’s gonna work.

 

A sad one

Some communication with my husband today. Another thing checked off our list. A nice gesture, a sort of a promise written by him. He’s leaving our flat, and that somehow got to me. He’s also off to Thailand very soon.

For some reason, I feel extra sad today. A chapter (or was it a book?) just closed, now on to the next one. But first I think I have to sit around in this sadness pit for a while. A necessity, it seems. The future can be whatever I make of it, I know that. As my son told me yesterday, I am one of the most tenacious people around. I can carve out a great life for myself. Just feels really hard right now. My feelings are mostly these giant waves of sadness and despair, with a churn in my stomach that’s no fun at all. I breathe through them, focus on something right in front of my nose. Sometimes I just lean in and embrace it. I wonder if anyone knows the best way to handle this stuff? If I just focus on the moment, try to avoid the feelings, does that mean I’m not actually dealing with the grief? One thing’s for sure; I want to do the grieving right, get it done.

My sister has been a lifesaver, she’s talking to me on the phone all the time. And she is extra supportive, telling me I can do this, while making sure she steers me clear of feelings of low self-esteem. “You got this,” she says. And I hear things like, “It’s not your fault.” I believe that statement is true.

She’s wearing a long white dress, long sleeves, no headpiece. A bouquet. He helps her spread the bottom of the dress out just right. What looks like a navy jacket, grey slacks. The photographer, wearing a blue dress. The scene is across the street and up about half a block from the Third Place Stuff coffee shop where I sit, at the window. A large two story white colonial building, black shutters, four columns on the porch. Not a church. Ahh. They just kissed. My view out the window of the coffee shop, not bad at all. Unless you just did this all yourself five months ago and it feels like shit to watch.

It’s hard to build up enough steam to feel very good. That lack of ability just adds to me being depressed. Maybe I should just write ‘Ditto’ in the blog title, sit back and not write for a while? Am I pessimistic? Realistic? I’ve got that damn thing going, the one that says I will blog every day. Not ready to mess up that record just yet. So I’ll keep truckin’ along for now. Been working on the other blog. It’s so time-consuming, frustrating. Not the thing for a non-techie to try to do. I will get it done, though. In due time.

Feels like I’m doing what needs to be done. Talking on the phone to my family, emails with my friends. A trip out to a coffee shop where I even sat outside for a while. A bookstore (and yes, I did buy a book). A long walk through the neighborhood. No alcohol which would just magnify the sadness. Food cooked and eaten. Late this afternoon, an olive and walnut cream cheese sandwich with lettuce, tomato and cucumber. Doing all the right things, I suppose. Eager to feel better, my patience with this about gone. Hope tomorrow feels better.

Friday and a tree branch

It’s Friday night. I didn’t realize what day it was until my son, who came over to deliver some clothes I’d ordered, announced his plans: Friday colloquim at 4:00pm, followed by his grad school department’s happy hour. My sister told me she has a date tonight. I think I’ll check out a movie on my Amazon Prime. Won’t be long until I have some kind of plans on Friday night too.

The first batch of clothes I’d ordered arrived today. A nice pencil skirt and matching top, black turtleneck, one gray stripe and one black pullover sweater. The two sweaters, too large. A trip to Banana Republic now in store, in hopes of exchanging for a smaller size.

Today I took a long walk around the neighborhood. Got to pet an Aussie with a gorgeous shiny coat. Snow still on the ground, in people’s yards. A hello to a woman out walking. The way the homes get a little smaller the further south I go.

Back in my home I own in Seattle, before my husband and I had even met, I had a really large tree branch inside. The branch had been lying across the sidewalk, only a block away from my house. I’d dragged it home, getting a few stares. It stood on the left-hand side my leather couch. As a lover of nature, I thought it looked so fine. Others thought it was pretty cool and unique; lots of compliments about the style of my house came my way. My husband didn’t like it. When we moved in together, the branch wasn’t in my load of things to take to Greenlake. It didn’t bother me that much. Today I found another branch, only half as tall as my previous one, but still, I carried it home, now it is inside.

As I start to build my new life, there are many things to consider. One, how to learn to keep a tree branch in my home. So many mistakes I made, giving up things I wanted, being too laid back and easy going. Other-oriented, that was me. Yep, I can be a badass, and I think I kinda was back then. But then something happened, I began giving up things until there wasn’t much left. Of me. Lessons learned the hard way hopefully won’t be repeated again.